| Friday, June 17, 2011 |
| curves |
this week of working alone in the clinic has been trying. and i realised this only at the end of the week - that it was probably a little insane...and i really did underestimate this.
first two days were really smooth-sailing. and one extra blessing was having sarah around to help out. she shared with me stories i could only dream about reading in biographies. it was a lil tiresome having to fight the high blood glucose post-lunch while listening to the stories. the many, many stories. But yea...it was amazing. And I listened.
Things went downhill on wednesday with that case. After work, I realised that I was panicking too much and I had really thrown any form of clinical reasoning out of the window. I don't know why...I felt so bad after that I had no appetite to eat. Thursday morning was the fastest I've woken up in 2 weeks. I hope he'll be back. I imagined a few hundred other more scenarios. I'm exaggerating. And I was disappointed. Very, very disappointed. I still am..
As much as the adrenaline and freedom was really awesome, after the hiccup on wednesday...I was really thrown in doubt. Whatever I was doing right took me by surprise. I wondered if I had gone through all of this by luck. Were the gd things purely by guesswork. If they were...I think I'm losing touch with guessing...I felt my spirits being relatively low. I didn't know if I was operating as a real person with nerves and feelings or if I was just trying to be a diagnosing machine, one that could go very wrong anytime.
This made me wonder if I am cut out for this. If this is how working feels like. And wonder how I'm going to learn all that I do not know. It's a feeling of dread and anticipation, taking turns to override each other. I wonder if I'll ever be good enough, patient enough. |
posted by kmli @ 10:51 PM  |
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